Just read through the archives of a really old blog I used to have. Apparently, I was much funnier two years ago. Comments I made which are still funny – “Did someone dial a rapist?”, “My piss is Lucozade orange right now”, and my current fave, “some sheep racing show”. Out of context, they’re awesome if I do type so myself.

Anyways, there’s one entry which I’d forgotten about, but it’s still pretty smart I guess. Putting it here in case I forget it (hence the title of this blog). Mental note – don’t type like a ponce in future.

Right.

An idea for a game. Kind of. Sort of.

It’s a horror game about grief. But it’s not really a game. I have no idea where I’m going with this description, bear with me.

Told from first-person, because that’s as immersive as games currently get.

Guy lives with his wife in a small apartment. Game starts out, you walk in his shoes – wake up next to her, go to work, go home, and find your wife has been murdered. A guy in a red balaclava is outside the window – you open it, he’s gone. The police turn up.

The guy get interrogated, then cleared. The guy go home. Has nightmares, broken sleep. Things get a bit weird.

The city you live in looks a bit bigger. Subtly done, hopefully enough to put the player off a bit. You know, “something’s wrong with this, but I can’t put my finger on it” kinda thing. Your character goes to his wife’s funeral. Whenever the player moves the mouse, indistinct flashes of the same red as the balaclava should be sporadically shown between the other mourners, like the killer is there. Suggestion to the player is key.

As the player goes about their normal life, these flashes of red should be shown in amongst the people on the streets. Eventually, the player will see the red balaclava.

The point of this is that it is up to the player to react or not, right from the funeral onwards. If they do, then the other mourners get worried about the player’s character. When walking the streets, if the player decides to go hunting for the flashes of red they see in the crowds, they get odd looks and verbals from the people. If they decide to go after the red balaclava, let them catch up with them, and use the mouse buttons to hit the guy in the balaclava (don’t have any on-screen prompt that the player can do this, let them figure this out for themselves). Once the player hits the red balaclava guy, show that the balaclava wasn’t really there, and that the player has just hit a random member of the public.

As the player goes on, make it worse.

And then, once the game detects the player’s mouse movements are erratic enough, have the red balaclava guy jump out at them. The real red balaclava guy.

That is my idea. Not a good one, but it’s a start.

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Fallout 3 is good. Really good. Here comes the “but” – it’s got some daft shit in there.

  • Create-a-character. You make up your character at the start of the game using a billion options on race, hairstyles, eye colour, all the usual. The daft thing about it is the very first option, where you can choose your race. Caucasian, African-American, Smurf-American and Hulk-American (ok, the last two are really yellow and browny-pink but I can’t remember what they call them in the game and because I’m not American I don’t know the PC terms to describe them and I’m lazy enough to be happy with being thought of as ignorant instead of wasting five minutes of my life looking up a few words I’ll only ever use once, and I could have looked them up by now but I’m on a roll holy shit I’m typing fast!). The point? Oh yeah, the point. Bear with me on this (like you haven’t already). Once your character is “born”, you get to play a bit as a toddler for some clever tutorial stuff, and once you’re done your dad walks in. The dad is voiced by Liam Neeson. The tall, white Irishman. The famous actor. The famous white actor. Can you see where this is heading? If you choose your race as Caucasian, then your dad is white, and voiced by a white Liam Neeson. If you choose another race, say African-American, then your dad is black. And still voiced by Liam Neeson. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not going after this in a “BAN THIS RACIST FILTH” way or anything. It’s just fucking hilarious to see a grey haired black gentleman with Liam Neeson’s voice announce that he is your dad. It just feels wrong. You’re not my dad, pal, you’re Qui Gon Jinn. Now get the polygonal face paint off, you virtually racist bastard, and bring out my real dad now!
  • The clothes. I never ever thought I’d ever spend time mixing and matching items of clothing. I don’t ever do it in real life (I grab a handful of what usually appears to be clothing and throw it at myself til most of it sticks to the places I want it to stick to). I’m fat and hairy. Couldn’t give a shit about appearance. So how come the previously-dormant fashion designer within me has erupted into the game as a creative whirlwind of weird clothing mixtures? I can spend whole minutes finding something decent to go with my Ghoul Mask. Or trying to find some decent armour which doesn’t look too daft with a baseball cap. I had to stop myself once from putting on my virtual Pre-War Nightwear to get into virtual bed. I’m currently trying to ensure I’ve got one of every type of clothing in the game in a wardrobe. Why? It goes against the grain. It’s freaking me out. And I can’t help but give in and dress up for each trip into the wasteland. And the sad thing is, I spend 90% of the time playing from a first person point of view, so I can’t see the fucking clothes anyway! I’m weird, I know this. I’m still blaming the game, though.
  • Three Dog. HOW THE FUCK DOES HE KNOW I’M WEARING A GHOUL MASK?! Anyone who has seen me wear it has ended up fairly dead very soon after seeing me, so how does he know? Did CCTV survive in the wasteland? Does he spend his time in the Capitol Radio building with a telescope, scanning the horizon for idiots dressed in ghoul masks and light blue jumpsuits, just so he has a “piece” for his show?
  • The Ghoul Who Shares The Same Name As My Step Daughter. By fuck, I laughed at this. Laughed til I cried.

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