Fallout 3 – Daft Shit

Fallout 3 is good. Really good. Here comes the “but” – it’s got some daft shit in there.

  • Create-a-character. You make up your character at the start of the game using a billion options on race, hairstyles, eye colour, all the usual. The daft thing about it is the very first option, where you can choose your race. Caucasian, African-American, Smurf-American and Hulk-American (ok, the last two are really yellow and browny-pink but I can’t remember what they call them in the game and because I’m not American I don’t know the PC terms to describe them and I’m lazy enough to be happy with being thought of as ignorant instead of wasting five minutes of my life looking up a few words I’ll only ever use once, and I could have looked them up by now but I’m on a roll holy shit I’m typing fast!). The point? Oh yeah, the point. Bear with me on this (like you haven’t already). Once your character is “born”, you get to play a bit as a toddler for some clever tutorial stuff, and once you’re done your dad walks in. The dad is voiced by Liam Neeson. The tall, white Irishman. The famous actor. The famous white actor. Can you see where this is heading? If you choose your race as Caucasian, then your dad is white, and voiced by a white Liam Neeson. If you choose another race, say African-American, then your dad is black. And still voiced by Liam Neeson. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not going after this in a “BAN THIS RACIST FILTH” way or anything. It’s just fucking hilarious to see a grey haired black gentleman with Liam Neeson’s voice announce that he is your dad. It just feels wrong. You’re not my dad, pal, you’re Qui Gon Jinn. Now get the polygonal face paint off, you virtually racist bastard, and bring out my real dad now!
  • The clothes. I never ever thought I’d ever spend time mixing and matching items of clothing. I don’t ever do it in real life (I grab a handful of what usually appears to be clothing and throw it at myself til most of it sticks to the places I want it to stick to). I’m fat and hairy. Couldn’t give a shit about appearance. So how come the previously-dormant fashion designer within me has erupted into the game as a creative whirlwind of weird clothing mixtures? I can spend whole minutes finding something decent to go with my Ghoul Mask. Or trying to find some decent armour which doesn’t look too daft with a baseball cap. I had to stop myself once from putting on my virtual Pre-War Nightwear to get into virtual bed. I’m currently trying to ensure I’ve got one of every type of clothing in the game in a wardrobe. Why? It goes against the grain. It’s freaking me out. And I can’t help but give in and dress up for each trip into the wasteland. And the sad thing is, I spend 90% of the time playing from a first person point of view, so I can’t see the fucking clothes anyway! I’m weird, I know this. I’m still blaming the game, though.
  • Three Dog. HOW THE FUCK DOES HE KNOW I’M WEARING A GHOUL MASK?! Anyone who has seen me wear it has ended up fairly dead very soon after seeing me, so how does he know? Did CCTV survive in the wasteland? Does he spend his time in the Capitol Radio building with a telescope, scanning the horizon for idiots dressed in ghoul masks and light blue jumpsuits, just so he has a “piece” for his show?
  • The Ghoul Who Shares The Same Name As My Step Daughter. By fuck, I laughed at this. Laughed til I cried.

Leave a Reply