Bozzley

Minecraft

I was going to do a big thing on Minecraft, about how it’s definitely a game, but it also encourages creativity within the game space like nothing I’ve ever seen, and I was going to add all sorts of buzz words that I would make up to sound like I know what I’m talking about (did you notice the use of “game space” earlier? I have no fucking clue what that means, I cribbed it from Edge magazine I think). However, I’m not going to do that. It’s too boring. What I will do is show you what I’ve made up to now.

This is my house

My house

This is my house. I made this. I dug up the stone for the frame over the top, I grew the trees that gave me the wood I used for the torches and the sign and the front door, and I gathered the sand which I turned into glass to make the windows.

La Cuntina

La Cuntina

This is the sign outside my house. I’ve called it “La Cuntina”.

Front door

Front door

Here’s the front door. You can see the torches in my house through the windows.

Forest

Forest

Here’s the little foresty thing I’ve made next to my house. I plant the trees, they grow, and then I cut them fuckers down to get wood. And then I replant them so they’re all renewable and shit.

Frame

Frame

This is the big frame above my house. I made this so I could find my house from miles away. Eventually I’m going to make this much bigger so I can get a flaming cock and balls over the house. Won’t ever lose it again!

Cow ass

Cow ass

This is a cows ass. The cow is splashing in the water outside my house. For some reason, its back right hoof appears to be farting; note the water bubble.

Cow face

Cow face

This is the front of the same cow. Pretty soon, I will kill it and take its skin to make armour with. Or lotion.

Sheep

Sheep

This is a sheep. If you hit them, they drop wool. I don’t know what to do with wool yet. I have tons of it though, cos I like to hit sheep.

Sheep and pig

Sheep and pig

This is the same sheep mid-bounce, and a pig. Pigs drop pork chops, which you can cook and eat. I like pig.

Flowers

Flowers

Flowers! I’ve got some, but I don’t know what they are for. I may be allergic to them. I’m keeping the fuck away from the polleny bastards.

Forest 2

Forest 2

Another shot of my forest. I’m so proud of it. When I went googling to find out how to make trees work, I read that you have to make sure they have lots of light, so I stuck torches next to them. It has since dawned on me that this may apply to trees being grown underground; the ones on the surface get sun every day. Fuck it, when do trees die from too much light? The torches stay.

Inside looking out

Inside looking out

The view from inside my house. There’s stairs and everything. Trouble is, it’s always been kinda slapped together, and amended as and when I’ve needed more space. I really need to rebuild it properly and make it look proper awesome. And I want a beach right outside the front door. I will do this eventually.

Inside house

Inside house

This is what is inside my house. On the far left is a furnace, which can smelt iron ore into iron bars, it can also smelt sand into glass, and it can smelt pork chops into cooked pork chops. I never clean it, so I’m probably eating glazed pork chops. Fuck it, pig be tasty! In the middle is my big chest of goodies, and on the right is my workbench for making stuff. Now you’ve seen some of the crafts, let’s look at the mines (before they terrify me again).

Jacobs Ladder

Jacobs Ladder

A ladder. Wherever can it lead?

Stairs

Stairs

A staircase. Indiana Jones, if he was here, would be shitting a brick right about now. Into a lead-lined refridgerator, too.

Tunnel

Tunnel

A tunnel. I started to go down here to take some screenshots, but I heard the zombies moaning, and they can fuck me up good cos I’ve not got the hang of the combat yet. And, I’m a big pussy. So I run back upstairs to have a nosey round outside.

Sunshine

Sunshine

Sun is shining, weather is sweet yeah? Notice the wildlife messing about in the sea. The dumb bastards haven’t heard of the nutter with the stone block that kills all the animals yet. Why? COS I EAT ALL THE WITNESSES.

Sunset

Sunset

Oh fuck. Sun is going down. Once this happens, the zombies and the spiders and the skeletons with bows and arrows come out and start fucking everything up. They be crazy! Best to get back indoors and laugh at the fools from the other side of the windows. NB: one of the enemies is called a creeper, and it looks like a rancid green cock and balls, and it has a smiley face, and it blows up next to you. This is awesome.

Dark house

Dark house

Ah, it turns out I am a hero after all! I hang around to take a couple more screenshots. Here’s the front of the house when darkness is falling. Zombies don’t like light, so they tend to avoid the front of the house. And due to the massive torch-covered frame that goes right around the top of the house, they tend to avoid the whole thing altogether really. Every now and again, I sneak outside to make sure they’re not fucking with my trees (which are also lit by torches) just in case. I don’t want zombie wood.

Moon

Moon

I am de moon, de real moon! It’s the moon. And some stars. My bravery has officially run out, cos now I can hear the spiders and the zombies in the distance. Fuck this shit, I’m going back to the house for glass-glazed and iron-filing-coated pork chops.

Safe

Safe

Haha! Fuck you, zombie horde! I’m safely locked indoors, cooking some pig ass. Next time, I’m going to find some zombies and skeletons and spiders and rancid walking bollocks and take screenshots of them, just before they kill my ass. Fun!

4 Comments

    You’re one sick fucker. Everybody knows you need the cock and balls sign BEFORE you start building your house.

  • You are absolutely right, sir. If I’d have made the sign first, making the house would have been a piece of piss. I’m now planning these things properly. After the “thrown together at random” castle, that is.

    Hope you are well, bud! 🙂

  • I am now sir. There is nothing in the world that a high quality sophisticated week in Benidorm can’t fix! How’s things with you?

    On the subject of Minecraft, it looks ace but is it going to rob all my time whilst my back is turned resulting in a broken marriage, failed business and total fucking catastrophe? It’s got that sort of look about it.

  • I’m all good mate, ta. Glad I’m doing science, and I’m still alive.

    As much as I’d like to deny it, Minecraft will rob you of your every waking thought, forever. If you value not being obsessed with brightly coloured blocks, don’t go near the bastard. You’re welcome! 🙂

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