The Ultimate List of 2010

Cos you don’t get enough lists at Xmas.

  • Best Game That Is “a bit mental”: Norrland by Cactus. You can download the game from here. There’s also a trailer there, but it’s best to play the game and not know anything about it. Trust me. Oh, and it’s not safe for work or children. Or animals. Did I tell you about it being mental? It is.
  • Best MMO Expansion Pack: WoW Cataclysm by Blizzard. If I’d had done this list in 2008, I’d have said Wrath of the Lich King, and only cos it let you punch sharks in the face. So why does Cataclysm get the nod this year? Two words and a shortened word, my friend. Plants vs Zombies.
  • Best Wii Game: Goldeneye by Eurocom. To be honest, I think it’s the only one I played this year that wasn’t an old Metroid game (so it doesn’t count) or New Super Bastard Mario You Fucking Killed Me AGAIN?! Brothers. And it’s got Deadmau5 in it, which was nice. I liked it a lot. If I was doing runners-up, I’d have gone with Super Mario Galaxy 2, but I only vaguely remember seeing Shabby playing this, cos I was very very drunk, so it doesn’t count.
  • Most Entertaining Physics Engine: Just Cause 2 by Avalanche Studios. A game that lets you tie things to other things, and then preferably letting you shoot one or both of them, is always a winner. I don’t think I could ever get tired of attaching a car driver to the road.
  • The “OMGWTFBBQ” Award: Fable 3 by Lionhead. Sometimes, when you hear a sequel is coming along, you think “ooh, I hope they fix this and that and the other”. With Fable 3, the fans were thinking “I hope they don’t fix a fucking thing”. Lionhead “fixed” everything.
  • Best Platform Game (that isn’t Super Meat Boy cos I haven’t bought that yet): Limbo by PlayDead. It’s scary. It’s spooky. And when you accidentally decapitate a little boy for the umpteenth time, it’s funny. One of them games that’s short and sweet, and all the better for it.
  • Most Annoying Game-within-a-game: The ore mining probe bits in Mass Effect 2 by BioWare. Do you like moving your mouse? Do you like watching line graphs? If you’ve answered “yes!” to both of these questions, please feel free to skip to the next award on the list. For those of you who aren’t fucking idiots and are still reading; don’t ever speak to anyone who skipped this bit. Ever. They be psycho.
  • The “Renews Your Faith In Flash Games” Flash Game of the Year: One Chance by Awkward Silence Games. One of them games that tries really hard to tug at your heart strings, and if you play your cards wrong, it’ll grab your heart strings and run a mile. Gets bonus points for stopping you playing it again; “you made your choices, now live with them, you big cunt!” (I’d like to clarify, the game doesn’t actually say that; I think it’s implied).
  • Best “Oh just mash buttons until your thumbs are ground into paste” Game: Bayonetta by Platinum Games. Also wins this year’s “Most Original Weapon” award for its portrayal of a tuba-shotgun.
  • Best Game With A Guy With A Drill For An Arm In It: Bioshock 2 by 2K Marin. I’ve not got very far into this yet, but it’s already the best game with a guy with a drill for an arm in it released this year. And what a drill! It’s ace. Can you tell I’m just listing all the games released this year that I’ve gone anywhere near? I’ve been playing Freespace 2 more than Bioshock 2, and that was released over 10 years ago. Although I’ve been off ill recently, so Bioshock 2 has caught up a bit. And it’s really good.
  • Best Gaming Moment of 2010: The Soul Calibur rip-off in Scott Pilgrim vs The World. Or the Zelda music at the start of the film. Both were moments that gave me that smug feeling like I got an in-joke that no-one else did, when really the cinema was packed with geeks who all felt the same thing. And come on; the Soul Calibur scene was fucking brilliant.
  • Best Gaming Moment (that’s actually in a game) of 2010: Minecraft by Mojang Specifications. Specifically, getting the Donkey Kong painting on a wall. Doesn’t sound like a big deal, and in reality it wasn’t. But it was the point where I realised just how much effort I’d put into the game to get to that point. I’d made a castle. I’d made a fucking huge mine. I’d made two sheds. I’d made a big airship out of glass and lava. I’d begun work on a volcano lair. I’d made a staircase that went as high as the game would let me. I made a boat, and I got in it, and I steered the fucker miles away from all that, and made a little cave in a bay, and in that cave I eventually put up a painting of Donkey Kong. And then I thought “fucking hell, I’m playing too much of this bastard” and promptly stopped playing it. Good times.
  • Best Call of Duty Game: Call of Duty: Black Ops. Of all the thousands of Call of Duty games (and the hundreds of thousands of games that wished they were Call of Duty!), only one deserves the title of “Best Call of Duty Game” for 2010. Black Ops took the single player game from Modern Warfare 2 and made it look like it was set in the 60s and not as good (and removed the pesky controversial No Russian level, too). Black Ops took the multi player game from Modern Warfare 1 and made it look like it was set in the 60s and just as good (and added the ability to scratch the word “SEX” into the side of all your guns, which was awesome). Black Ops; more like Gold Blend. See what I did there? Damn, I still got it.

So there you have it. Can’t wait to see what next year holds!

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