The Ultimate List of 2011 (maybe)

Cos, let’s face it, it’ll be the same as last year but with better graphics.
  • Best First Person Puzzle Game: Portal 2 by Valve. It will be amazing, but will be slightly let down by Stephen Merchant’s voice not suiting the game. Random thought while playing – “oh just fuck off, you Barclays-shilling bellend”.
  • Best Call of Duty Game: Whatever the next one is called by Sledgehammer. You know, the third person one, or whatever it’s going to be. Hell, if they make it use a sixth person view and the game is set in the Playboy Mansion and you defeat the hordes of enemies by throwing lit horses at them, it’d be the best Call of Duty game ever! Fuck, that’s not a bad idea. Calling Sledgehammer, brb.
  • Weirdest Symmetrical Faces In A Game: Elder Scrolls: Skyrim by Bethesda. Those links are to faces from the previous game, Oblivion, but they’ve done that in all of the other Elder Scrolls games, and I don’t see them wanting to stop any time soon. In case you can’t be arsed looking at them photos, here’s the point – completely symmetrical faces are creepy as fuck.
  • Best Game That Really Doesn’t Need A Resource-gathering Sub Game: Mass Effect 3 by BioWare. NO FUCKING NEED. Shepard has the backing of Cerberus. He doesn’t need to go off scanning uninhabitable planets to endlessly mine them during a galaxy-wide emergency! He should be able to phone the Illusive Man (I hate that name) and say “Look bitch, I’m going up against robots that are hundreds of centuries old, and you’ve given me BB guns to defend myself with. Send me planet launchers, motherfucker!” And when Shepard gets a planet launcher, he can scoop up all them uninhabitable fucking planets he’s probed and launch them at the Reapers. FUCK YEAH! Damn, that’s actually a good idea. Gonna call BioWare, brb.
  • Best Re-appearance of the Kick move from Duke Nukem 3D: Bulletstorm by Bullets Can Fly. Hah! You thought I was gonna say Duke Nukem Forever, didn’t you? Well fuck that. According to every site ever, Bulletstorm will bring the boot back like no other, and after seeing a billion screenshots of various bad guys getting booted in the plums, I’m inclined to agree. Although I’m also inclined to believe it’ll join the Scroll Lock key as being a nice idea in theory, but utterly fucking pointless at all other times.
  • Best Re-appearance of Duke Nukem: Duke Nukem Forever by Gearbox. Keep the faith!
  • Best Game That Is What Mirror’s Edge Probably Should Have Been: Brink by Splash Damage. Probably. Don’t get me wrong, I liked Mirror’s Edge, but it lacked badass gunplay and a multiplayer mode. Splash Damage have good form on both fronts, so this could be a contender.
  • Most Original And Yet Also Completely Fucking Stupid Use Of The Number 3 In A Game Title: F.3.A.R. by Day 1 Studios. Only works if the game is marketed to the kind of idiot kid that types like that, but it’ll be rated for Mature audiences only, so it won’t. So why bother? R.3.T.4.R.D.3.D.
  • Best Not-actually-real Sequel To SWAT 4: SWAT 5 by “any studio that doesn’t fuck it up”. Please! Give it awesome animation (preferably touched up motion captured footage). Give it 7.1 surround sweetness, and a script that sizzles. And for God’s sakes, keep the taser and the beanbag shotgun. Oh, and add localised damage animation, so when you beanbag someone in the testicles, they fall over and cry a lot, ready for a pepper spraying.
  • Best Not-actually-real MMORPG Expansion Pack: WoW Pandapocalypse by Blizzard. Play as Pandarens! New city – Bambooni! New endgame boss – Pandarr, the level 97 elite pirate panda!
  • Best Gaming Moment of 2011: Playing Half Life Episode 12 and thinking “Fuck, all the weapons are ripped off from District 9!”.

So there you go. You heard it here first.

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    […] had a quick flick through my jokey predictions from last year for 2011, and fuck me, if I wasn’t far off at […]

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