The Ultimate List of 2012 (maybe)


  • Best Next GTA Game To Be Released On Phones: Vice City. They gotta do it. GTA 3 made enough cash to glue together to make another planet with, and Rockstar need a new planet to put all their coke and whores on. Bring back Tommy Vercetti!
  • Best Next GTA Game To Be Released On Everything Else: GTA 5. It’ll be hyped to fuck and back. I’ll forget all about how much I liked GTA 4 until I realised it was fucking boring as fuck, and then I’ll get sucked in and think it’s gonna be tremendous, and then it’ll be released and I’ll like it up until some cunt keeps calling me in-game to ask if I want to go fucking bowling. Bring back Tommy Vercetti!
  • Most Disappointing Ending To A Trilogy: Mass Effect 3. Or, to be more accurate, the first ending I get. I’ll end up with the shittest one. And then I’ll have to finish it again to get the proper good one. And then I’ll have to finish it AGAIN to get the evil one. I’ll bet £5 with myself now that the only ending that’ll be halfway decent is the evil ending.
  • Best MMO That I’ll Quit After One Month Cos Everyone Else Is Level 4,000 And I’m Not: Star Wars: The Old Republic. Cos I haven’t got it yet, but I probably will, and by then it will be too late. The time for stupidity and shenanigans and swearing will be over, and groups will be all SERIOUS BUSINESS. Fuckers.
  • Best Revamp Of An Old Game That Will Still Raise The Ire Of The Entire Internet: Counter-Strike: Global Offensive. Emphasis on the word “offensive” there. Valve won’t release it until it is very fucking playable, but the idiot whacko nutjob tinfoil hatted twatcunts will all whinge about how it’s nothing like CS:S, which is nothing like CS 1.6, which had fuck all to do with Pac Man. Ignore them Valve, just update it until the haters go away. And then make another Half-Life game, for fucks sake!
  • Best Film To Game Crossover Game: Grosse Pointe Blank. It’s not on the cards. It’ll never happen. But by fuck it would be brilliant if it did. In fact, give Swery (the director for Deadly Premonition) the engine that Rockstar use for the GTA games, the licence for the movie rights and likenesses and soundtrack to Grosse Pointe Blank and get voiceovers from John Cusack, Minnie Driver, and the guy who plays Bobby Beamer, and the resulting game will blow the minds of everyone on the planet. Forever. In a good way.
  • Best Hype-Building Exercise: Whatever Lionhead announce this year. Cos they will. The exercise will consist of Peter Molyneux putting the boot into Fable 3, and then hyping up Fable 4 / whatever is next from Lionhead.
  • Most Confusing Game Of The Year: The Witness by Jonathan Blow. Fucker made Braid, and it gave me headaches. The Witness will make my brain die.
  • Best Game of 2012: Probably Skyrim, hehe 🙂

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